My Cup Overflows

cup overflow

Part 4.

My young adult years were filled with the same wonder and adventure of others my age on the path of self discovery. I entered college with the goal of becoming a Broadway singer. I was accepted into Boston University on a scholarship, with the opportunity to intern in New York City but declined attending there and instead chose Ohio State University. This would prove to be the beginning of a few bad choices I would make over the course of my young adult years. Things didn’t workout for me at Ohio State but I eventually landed an audition with The Peabody Institute at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland. Attending The Peabody Conservatory was a dream come true for me, but I wasn’t prepared.

During my high school years, my teachers took a great interest in me and my talents. I was given extra time and attention and even assisted in securing a spot with a choir set to tour Europe. The summer of my senior year I was privileged to sing before audiences in five European countries as soloist with that choir. I took talent to Peabody but I didn’t have the academic preparation for an all music setting. There are certain courses one must take prior to attending conservatory, but I hadn’t done so. Mostly because I didn’t have access to those classes. I also didn’t have the fight and determination then that I now have and so when the going got tough, I gave up.

The years of being bulled and picked on during my youth after Dad died taught me to retreat instead of push forward. I was timid, browbeaten and easily intimidated. Rather than fight for myself, I took the path of least resistance. My mother was there ever encouraging me to fulfill my dreams, but I just didn’t have the fortitude or tenacity. I came home from Peabody after a two year struggle and picked another career path. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I needed a job. It seemed my hopes and dreams as a creative were over, but God was right there in the midst with me. Although I had all but given up on my artistic future, God had a plan.

Ciao!

Savannah J, providing a place of tranquility away from the stress of life. 

Http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com 

Follow Savannah on Twitter   http://bit.ly/1tBBC6o 

on Google Plus http://bit.ly/1pnq9sP 

and on Facebook http://on.fb.me/10p1o32

Savannah is the author of The Prey now available in eBook on Kindle http://amzn.to/1xg0pgM and on Google Play Books http://bit.ly/1q5hncz

Also look for Raising Tristan on Google Play Books http://bit.ly/1pL4GqN and on Kindle http://amzn.to/1AlHl6g

My Cup Overflows

cup overflow

My Cup Overflows Part 3

I remember returning to school after my father transitioned and thinking, “my dad is dead and no one cares. Life around me went on as usual and it seemed as though I became invisible.  I was transferred to a new school; one I could walk to since my father was no longer alive to take me. You see, as stated in my  previous blogs, Dad took me to school and picked me up daily.

The students in my new class were unfriendly to say the least and I recall one young man in particular spearheading bulling campaigns against me. Under these new circumstances, I not only felt lost, but afraid as well. My emotions ricocheted inside me like a ball in an old fashioned pinball machine; never really knowing where to come to a rest. In essence, I didn’t know how or what to feel. In hindsight, it was apparent, I wasn’t the only one feeling unhinged. My father had many friends and family feeling the impact of his death as deeply as I did.

My mother did an amazing job in the midst of her own trauma and pulled us together as a family. She took me to counseling so that I had a non biased person to talk with. She became an active part of my school’s PTA and upped her participation in my life. Essentially, Mom did her best to become mother and father to us. Despite my mother’s best efforts, my wounds from losing my dad, my hero were too deep.  I succumbed to the negativity around me that came from the outside my home. I was at that age where the opinions of others carry more weight than those of our family.

As a result of my vulnerable state I began a slow decent into the abyss of depression. The ironic thing is, I had no realization, I was depressed. I made a series of decisions over the course of my young adult and adult life that at times cost me dearly, all driven by melancholia. All the while I was lost in the chasm of sadness, it often seemed I was alone. But God!

Ciao!

Savannah J, providing a place of tranquility away from the stress of life. 

Http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com 

Follow Savannah on Twitter   http://bit.ly/1tBBC6o 

on Google Plus http://bit.ly/1pnq9sP 

and on Facebook http://on.fb.me/10p1o32

Savannah is the author of The Prey now available in eBook on Kindle http://amzn.to/1xg0pgM and on Google Play Books http://bit.ly/1q5hncz

Also look for Raising Tristan on Google Play Books http://bit.ly/1pL4GqN and on Kindle http://amzn.to/1AlHl6g

My Cup Overflows

cup overflow

It was Christmas 1968 and once again my family had enjoyed opening our gifts and celebrating the birth of Christ together. I received my first portable record player that Christmas which was the hottest gift on the must-have list. My sister remembers us playing different songs and dancing around with our father.

Somewhere between December 29th and 30th of that year, my father and a friend of my sister whom I’ll call Jeff left for King William County, Virginia to visit and check on my grandmother. One night while there, the two went to visit family and friends in the community. My dad began to feel ill, and Jeff took Dad back to my grandmother’s and they called 911. Dad never made it to the hospital that night; he died in route of a massive heart attack.

My sister’s friend was left alone to drive back to Delaware and deliver the news to us. I can’t imagine how Jeff must have felt making that four hour drive by himself to tell my mother she was now a widow and we had lost the king of our family. I will never forget the pounding on the front door early that morning or the sound of my sister’s sobs after the news was relayed.

Once the sun came up that day, my mom gathered me and my brother and our pastor came into the bedroom and told us Dad was gone. It seemed surreal. I was only twelve years old; my brother was nine. It felt as if someone had put me in an unfamiliar room, turned of the lights, blindsided me with a 2 x 4 and then pulled the rug out from under me.

I was my father’s little princess and I knew it. He was not only my dad but the king of our home. He made everything alright and now he was gone. I had no idea what I was supposed to do. But God!

Ciao!

Savannah J, providing a place of tranquility away from the stress of life. 

Http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com 

Follow Savannah on Twitter   http://bit.ly/1tBBC6o 

on Google Plus http://bit.ly/1pnq9sP 

and on Facebook http://on.fb.me/10p1o32

Savannah is the author of The Prey now available in eBook on Kindle http://amzn.to/1xg0pgM and on Google Play Books http://bit.ly/1q5hncz

Also look for Raising Tristan on Google Play Books http://bit.ly/1pL4GqN and on Kindle http://amzn.to/1AlHl6g

Grief

As Father’s Day approaches, I thought of writing a few blogs to honor my father’s memory, but then, I decided to write those another day. Today, I want to share my journey through the grieving process of losing one of my closest cousins. I always figure, we are never the only someones going through something and maybe my story will help someone else.

My cousin, Jeannie and I are the children of two brothers. We were born 3 months apart, to the very day. When I got the news that she had passed suddenly, I literally felt her when she left me. I can only describe it as feeling as if I’d lost my twin.

If someone were to ask me to describe my grief, I’d say it feels like a heavy blanket. When the blanket first covered me, I felt as though I may suffocate. As time has progressed, I’ve found a corner of the blanket that I can lift to breathe and see the sunlight. Although it’s been a few months, I know it’s going to take a long time for me to get to a place where the pain of losing, Jeannie becomes a dull ache. You see, every now and again, I lose my grip on the blanket and again it covers me.

I am fortunate in that I have a strong faith and belief in God; He is my Higher Power and sustains me in my lowest times. I am also fortunate to have a strong support system of family and a few good friends.  There are some however, who are struggling through a grieving process alone. Perhaps they’ve reached out but no one is there.

They’ve made phone call after phone call and no one picks up. They leave messages and no one returns their calls; for whatever reason. These are the people who end up in a state of disrepair. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve made my share of calls and couldn’t reach a soul. But it’s at those times, I dig deep and rely on my faith. In this case, as in any, I know to pray first and then call someone who loved Jeannie like I did.

I remember when she first died, I was speaking with a man who called himself a friend of mine. He asked me how I was coming along; now mind you, we had just buried Jeannie two days prior to this phone call. When I told him I was struggling, he responded I should be happy that Jeannie was at peace. I went on to say, I didn’t feel happy and I was having a rough time of it, he replied that I was going to have to figure out how to deal with her death on my own. I didn’t hear from him for five months after that.

You may be wondering by now, why am I’m sharing all of this with strangers. Well, as I mentioned earlier, we are never the only someones going through something in this journey called life.  If, by sharing my pain and the fact that although the blanket covers me from time to time, I am able find that corner and pull it back, will encourage someone, than it’s well worth it to me.

In closing I’d like to say, perhaps there is someone you may know who is going through a challenge. Maybe this individual has reached out to you or maybe not. Either way, take a few minutes of time and check on them. You may be the someone who is going through; you feel all alone, you’ve reached out and no one reaches back. To you I will say, speak to your doctor, get yourself to a counselor, don’t just suffer alone.

I have fond memories of Jeannie and me and it’s those memories I will hold onto and cherish. It’s those memories that will once again help me to find that corner of the blanket of grief and pull it back. Allowing me to breathe and bask in the beautiful sunshine, just as I know she would want me to do.

Savannah J she adds a little sass to every page.

www.thesavannahjpublications.com

 

My Cup Overflows

cup overflow

Part 4.

My young adult years were filled with the same wonder and adventure of others my age on the path of self discovery. I entered college with the goal of becoming a Broadway singer. I was accepted into Boston University on a scholarship, with the opportunity to intern in New York City but declined attending there and instead chose Ohio State University. This would prove to be the beginning of a few bad choices I would make over the course of my young adult years. Things didn’t workout for me at Ohio State but I eventually landed an audition with The Peabody Institute at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland. Attending The Peabody Conservatory was a dream come true for me, but I wasn’t prepared.

During my high school years, my teachers took a great interest in me and my talents. I was given extra time and attention and even assisted in securing a spot with a choir set to tour Europe. The summer of my senior year I was privileged to sing before audiences in five European countries as soloist with that choir. I took talent to Peabody but I didn’t have the academic preparation for an all music setting. There are certain courses one must take prior to attending conservatory, but I hadn’t done so. Mostly because I didn’t have access to those classes. I also didn’t have the fight and determination then that I now have and so when the going got tough, I gave up.

The years of being bulled and picked on during my youth after Dad died taught me to retreat instead of push forward. I was timid, browbeaten and easily intimidated. Rather than fight for myself, I took the path of least resistance. My mother was there ever encouraging me to fulfill my dreams, but I just didn’t have the fortitude or tenacity. I came home from Peabody after a two year struggle and picked another career path. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I needed a job. It seemed my hopes and dreams as a creative were over, but God was right there in the midst with me. Although I had all but given up on my artistic future, God had a plan.

Ciao!

Savannah J, providing a place of tranquility away from the stress of life. 

Http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com 

Follow Savannah on Twitter   http://bit.ly/1tBBC6o 

on Google Plus http://bit.ly/1pnq9sP 

and on Facebook http://on.fb.me/10p1o32

Savannah is the author of The Prey now available in eBook on Kindle http://amzn.to/1xg0pgM and on Google Play Books http://bit.ly/1q5hncz

Also look for Raising Tristan on Google Play Books http://bit.ly/1pL4GqN and on Kindle http://amzn.to/1AlHl6g