My Cup Overflows

cup overflow

My Cup Overflows Part 3

I remember returning to school after my father transitioned and thinking, “my dad is dead and no one cares. Life around me went on as usual and it seemed as though I became invisible.  I was transferred to a new school; one I could walk to since my father was no longer alive to take me. You see, as stated in my  previous blogs, Dad took me to school and picked me up daily.

The students in my new class were unfriendly to say the least and I recall one young man in particular spearheading bulling campaigns against me. Under these new circumstances, I not only felt lost, but afraid as well. My emotions ricocheted inside me like a ball in an old fashioned pinball machine; never really knowing where to come to a rest. In essence, I didn’t know how or what to feel. In hindsight, it was apparent, I wasn’t the only one feeling unhinged. My father had many friends and family feeling the impact of his death as deeply as I did.

My mother did an amazing job in the midst of her own trauma and pulled us together as a family. She took me to counseling so that I had a non biased person to talk with. She became an active part of my school’s PTA and upped her participation in my life. Essentially, Mom did her best to become mother and father to us. Despite my mother’s best efforts, my wounds from losing my dad, my hero were too deep.  I succumbed to the negativity around me that came from the outside my home. I was at that age where the opinions of others carry more weight than those of our family.

As a result of my vulnerable state I began a slow decent into the abyss of depression. The ironic thing is, I had no realization, I was depressed. I made a series of decisions over the course of my young adult and adult life that at times cost me dearly, all driven by melancholia. All the while I was lost in the chasm of sadness, it often seemed I was alone. But God!

Ciao!

Savannah J, providing a place of tranquility away from the stress of life. 

Http://www.thesavannahjpublications.com 

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Savannah is the author of The Prey now available in eBook on Kindle http://amzn.to/1xg0pgM and on Google Play Books http://bit.ly/1q5hncz

Also look for Raising Tristan on Google Play Books http://bit.ly/1pL4GqN and on Kindle http://amzn.to/1AlHl6g

When God Says No.

sunrise“God’s delays are not denials.” Those are the words a former acquaintance often used to comfort me. At that time in my life, I longed for another child and the pain caused by the void was almost unbearable.

For me, years would pass and with them, my ability to birth another child. As I grieved my loss, well meaning friends would attempt to offer more words of comfort and condolences. There came a point in my life when I had to accept the obvious or lose my sanity; I chose the former.

As I sat in quite contemplation one day, it occurred to me, just as any good and loving parent at times must say no, God is no different. My pregnancy with my son was not easy. Experience tells me with a challenging pregnancy, there is the potential for the repetition of the same problems with succeeding pregnancies. In many cases, the problems can be exacerbated. In my case, God had most likely saved my life with a simple no.

We humans are often resistant to the idea of God denying us a desire. But stop and think for a minute. As a parent, would you grant your child a wish you knew would ultimately case them harm? No. No parent in their right mind would. If I had borne another child and lost my life in the process, where would that have left my son? He would have had a sibling, but he would have been motherless.

If you are praying for a blessing, desire or miracle, I am in no way implying you should stop. The Bible says we are to “pray without ceasing.” 1 Thess 5:17 KJV. If, however, you wake up one day as I did, and realize the answer to your prayer is a gentle no, please be assured God has your best interests at heart. He by no means intends to do harm but only to  bring you good.

Ciao!

Savannah J, she adds a little sass in every page. 

www.thesavannahjpublications.com  google.com/+SavannahJackson Follow Savannah on Twitter @savana74

Grief

As Father’s Day approaches, I thought of writing a few blogs to honor my father’s memory, but then, I decided to write those another day. Today, I want to share my journey through the grieving process of losing one of my closest cousins. I always figure, we are never the only someones going through something and maybe my story will help someone else.

My cousin, Jeannie and I are the children of two brothers. We were born 3 months apart, to the very day. When I got the news that she had passed suddenly, I literally felt her when she left me. I can only describe it as feeling as if I’d lost my twin.

If someone were to ask me to describe my grief, I’d say it feels like a heavy blanket. When the blanket first covered me, I felt as though I may suffocate. As time has progressed, I’ve found a corner of the blanket that I can lift to breathe and see the sunlight. Although it’s been a few months, I know it’s going to take a long time for me to get to a place where the pain of losing, Jeannie becomes a dull ache. You see, every now and again, I lose my grip on the blanket and again it covers me.

I am fortunate in that I have a strong faith and belief in God; He is my Higher Power and sustains me in my lowest times. I am also fortunate to have a strong support system of family and a few good friends.  There are some however, who are struggling through a grieving process alone. Perhaps they’ve reached out but no one is there.

They’ve made phone call after phone call and no one picks up. They leave messages and no one returns their calls; for whatever reason. These are the people who end up in a state of disrepair. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve made my share of calls and couldn’t reach a soul. But it’s at those times, I dig deep and rely on my faith. In this case, as in any, I know to pray first and then call someone who loved Jeannie like I did.

I remember when she first died, I was speaking with a man who called himself a friend of mine. He asked me how I was coming along; now mind you, we had just buried Jeannie two days prior to this phone call. When I told him I was struggling, he responded I should be happy that Jeannie was at peace. I went on to say, I didn’t feel happy and I was having a rough time of it, he replied that I was going to have to figure out how to deal with her death on my own. I didn’t hear from him for five months after that.

You may be wondering by now, why am I’m sharing all of this with strangers. Well, as I mentioned earlier, we are never the only someones going through something in this journey called life.  If, by sharing my pain and the fact that although the blanket covers me from time to time, I am able find that corner and pull it back, will encourage someone, than it’s well worth it to me.

In closing I’d like to say, perhaps there is someone you may know who is going through a challenge. Maybe this individual has reached out to you or maybe not. Either way, take a few minutes of time and check on them. You may be the someone who is going through; you feel all alone, you’ve reached out and no one reaches back. To you I will say, speak to your doctor, get yourself to a counselor, don’t just suffer alone.

I have fond memories of Jeannie and me and it’s those memories I will hold onto and cherish. It’s those memories that will once again help me to find that corner of the blanket of grief and pull it back. Allowing me to breathe and bask in the beautiful sunshine, just as I know she would want me to do.

Savannah J she adds a little sass to every page.

www.thesavannahjpublications.com

 

Goodbye’s

Yesterday was a day of goodbye of sorts for me. One of my closest friends took a job at another facility and so, last night we had a fare-ye-well dinner for her. After I left the restaurant, I crossed the old Huguenot Bridge, which was closing for good at 10 p.m. that night. 

I had raced to cross the bridge one last time, and when I looked at my watch as I drove across it was 9:55. It may sound strange but I was a bit sad at the closing of that bridge. It’s brought me safely to and from work for about nine years now. And even though I’m not a Richmond native, I hold sentiment for the old Huguenot Bridge. 

Today, when I go into work my friend will not be there. She’s not only my friend but has been the weekend charge nurse for about five years now. She buys us candy and keeps us laughing to relieve the stress.
She was truly my best friend at work.

This afternoon holds new beginnings for me after a night of goodbye’s. On my way into work today, I will cross the new Huguenot Bridge and work for the first weekend in five years without my friend. It never ceases to amaze me how God closes one door to open another, and even though the goodbye is painful, we know there is something exciting on the other side of that door.

Perhaps there are doors opening and closing in your life; to that I say, walk bravely through the open doors. Knowing, God has something wonderful on the inside of that new door. Trust Him that He does not make mistakes but leads us safely on the path He’s prepared just for us. Walk on and take God’s speed my friend, God’s speed!

Savannah J